The Thing About Fear

The Thing About Fear via

With each of my pregnancies the ‘final week’ has always felt like so much more than simply ‘waiting on signs of labor’… Truthfully, they have all been more like spiritual and emotional roller coasters. This time around is proving no different.

With Wyatt it felt undoubtedly like an issue of control — of letting go and trusting God’s plans more than my own. At the 41 week mark I was induced per recommendation of my beloved ob/gyn and took what felt like a giant leap of faith in my own walk with God.

With Thurser it was still a little bit of that same control I needed to let go, but it was more so about my own ability to be content with having merely the next step and not the big picture.

With Donna Jean I’ve been able to clearly identify a fear I have of an induction, but it wasn’t until just two days ago that I was able to pinpoint that it was deeper than that. Deeper in the sense that I’m more afraid of what an induction says about my body’s abilities — about its ability to go into labor on its own. Somehow faulting myself for this.

I know that it’s fear that is driving this internal dialogue, but I haven’t been able to truly let go of it. It’s been especially highlighted over the last few days every time someone has lovingly and excitedly asked me, “How much longer do you have?!” “Do you think it will be soon?!” “Any signs of labor yet?!” I can feel a sensitivity rise up in me, the kind that only comes when you attribute some sort of reflection of self or ascribed value. I know that by holding onto this fear I am holding myself back — both from the continued peace I’ve experienced thus far in this pregnancy and maybe even from labor itself.

But here’s the thing about fear:

Fear is a liar.  There is no truth that lives in a place of fear.

So over the past two days I have spent nearly every waking moment in an attempt to drive out fear by focusing on the truths that live here instead. It hasn’t looked perfect, but despite any uncovered frustrations I continue to rest upon these five words:

There is good here too.

There is good here too.

I’ve heard these words whispered in the depths of my soul no less than a dozen times over the last several weeks.  I may never have the answers I feel I need.  Things may not ever ‘make sense’ to me.  I am a big picture kind of person, but I have learned that I can be content with merely the next step — so long as I choose to do just that.

Right now my next step has been made clear: There is good here too.  I may not be able to see ‘the good’ that is here quite as clearly, nor how it is all working for the glory of God, but I am certain of one thing:

I am not going to miss it when I do.

• • •

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me.  I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

John 11:40-42 NIV 

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